wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I'm passing your future prison.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
