Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
