Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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