Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
