Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
