I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Randomize
