Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
