surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
