Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Randomize
