I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
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