Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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