if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
