Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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