Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
