The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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