I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
