I just pynch a tree in the face
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I woke up under a house in Key West
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
