is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
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