you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
