The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
tonight lets celebrate not being married
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
