Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
then he tried to convert me to islam
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize