New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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