Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
