she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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