If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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