Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize