he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
