unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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