he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
