first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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