he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
