I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
