So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
