my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
