Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
