i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
