I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Sext me about skeletons
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
