So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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