I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
