I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Randomize
