your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
