I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Randomize
