I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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