just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
