I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
