note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I just googled if crying burns calories
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize
