Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I have demons in me.
ugly people sure do ruin things
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
