you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
