We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
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