I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
