the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
