We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
