All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
