Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
two words...techno handjob
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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