Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
