i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
