Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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